Grace Notes

(For earlier posts in this series, see Introduction, Part 1, Part 2.)

In part 1, we saw the creation of men and women, and their relationships with each other, creation and God Himself, the way they were designed to be. In part 2, we saw the complete destruction of all these relationships through sin. A good deal later, Jesus died to fix the relationship between humans and God, paving the way for a lot more relationship fixing besides. But there’s a lot to fix, and how on earth to begin this process is a topic of much discussion in the letters of Paul. He’s honest: it’s hard, it’s slow, it involves unlearning behaviours and responses and attitudes that have been natural to us, and it won’t be finished this side of heaven. But with the Holy Spirit’s help, we are called to give it a go, and Paul provides a lot of practical advice on what this should look like in real life.

Cue, Ephesians 5:22-33

The relationship between husband and wife is one that was badly damaged in the fall, and thereafter made more difficult and painful to navigate. It’s also a crucial one; a partnership characterised by its intimacy, its lifelong commitment and its role of producing, nurturing and teaching children. It’s an important relationship for the Christian to get right, and it’s a training ground for all the rest – if you can successfully practise patience, kindness, generosity and humility in marriage, you stand a much better chance of managing it elsewhere.

So here Paul addresses the question of what Christian marriage should look like. In a nutshell, wives should be subject to (or submit to) their husbands, and husbands should love their wives. Not very P.C. I know, but the Bible never is.

Ephesians is a pretty encouraging letter. The church is doing well, he praises their faith and love, and in chapters 4 and 5 he gives some general instructions about Christian living: be united with other believers and recognise the different gifts and roles in the body of Christ (4:1-16) and turn your back on sin and aim to imitate Christ (4:17-5:20). In 5:21-6:9, Paul gives the general command to ‘be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ’, and then focuses on the application of this principle in three specific relationships:

• Husbands and Wives. Wives: submit, Husbands: love.
• Children and Parents. Children: obey your parents, Parents: teach your children well and don’t provoke them to anger.
• Slaves and Masters. Slaves: obey your masters gladly as if working for Christ, Masters: Be kind and realise that you are equals in the sight of God.

“AHA!” cries the feminist, “He’s talking as though slavery is okay! It’s all cultural! We’ve got him!”

Alas, the feminist is jumping the gun a little. Paul does not condone slavery. True, he doesn’t demand that all slaves be released, but he does gently challenge masters by reminding them that their slaves are not their inferiors. Harsh treatment and superior attitudes are definitely not on.

In addressing marriage though, Paul offers the picture of Christ and the church as a model for husbands and wives. In part 2 we asked whether female submission was a result of the fall or a part of the original plan; here we might ask whether it is merely an outdated notion from a patriarchal society.  To me, this passage is quite clear. Unlike his advice to slaves, Paul doesn’t present his model of marriage as a way to make the best of a bad job, but as a perfect, sacred design that that has parallels with the relationship between God and humankind. Submission isn’t a curse or a punishment or a tool of oppression, it is good.

Skipping the wives for a minute though, let’s start with the men. Adam was created first, after all. One of Paul’s big analogies is the church as the body of Christ, and here he takes it a little further and applies it to married couples. In the same way that the church is Christ’s body, he says, a man’s wife is part of his body, and should be treated as such. It’s a little confusing and complicated, but here it is in summary:

• The instruction: ‘Love your wives…’
• The first example: ‘…as Christ loved the church’.
• An explanation of the first example: Christ sacrificed Himself so that the church (His body) could be saved.
• The second example: A man loves his body by nourishing and caring for it.
• The conclusion: A husband should look at his wife as a part of his body. He should show his love for her by nourishing and caring for her, and sacrificing himself for her.
• And lastly, the scriptural backing: A verse we’ve already seen in Genesis 2: ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’

Interesting. So, recapping part 1 – it’s not good for man to be alone, so God splits him in two and creates woman. Two distinctly different types of person whose purpose is to be in equal relationship with one another. In marriage, the two sides of the coin of humanity are brought back together. A man should treat his wife with all the love and care due to his own body, because she is part of his own body. They are one unit, and what affects one will inevitably affect both.

Paul admits this is a great mystery, so I won’t dwell on it too much further. Now let’s rewind to the ladies.

Wives, be subject to your husbands, not because you live in a patriarchal society, but because ‘the husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the church‘. In which areas, Paul? ‘In everything‘. Eek. That’s a tall order. What if I disagree with my husband? Be subject to him in everything. What if I know better than he does? Be subject to him in everything. What if he’s just plain wrong? Be subject to him in everything. It’s really quite simple. Not easy, but simple. No ifs, buts or maybes to be found. Darn it.

There is though, that little verse at the beginning where Paul tells all believers to submit to one another, so clearly he’s not restricting submission to married women, or even women in general. It shouldn’t be that surprising really, since the command to love one another is quite obviously not restricted to men. So, here are my questions:

• If we are all called to submit to each other, why does Paul particularly direct this command to women in the marriage relationship?
• Does submission in marriage look different to submission in general?
• Why is this particular goal so crucial to wives (rather than husbands; rather than believers in general)

(All those questions can equally be asked about the command to love.)

I’ve heard lots of theoretical answers to these questions. Some suggest that Paul has picked out the most important needs for each gender: men need respect, while women need love. Speaking as a woman though, love without respect can take a hike. Others suggest that Paul focuses on the things that each gender finds most difficult: men find it hard to love, while women find it hard to submit. Well, the latter is certainly true, although I’m not convinced by the first. But here’s a nice tie-in: Eve’s relational sin in Eden was usurping her husband’s authority (to the point of persuading him to disobey God), while Adam’s relational sin was to shift all responsibility for his sin onto his wife. Is it just me, or is there a lovely parallel there? Unlike Eve, women are reminded to submit to their husbands. And unlike Adam, men are reminded to love their wives sacrificially as a part of themselves.

But are submission and love in marriage different to love and submission generally? Well, yes, I think so. For a start, they’re more concentrated. When I’m married, my husband will need to love me a lot more than most people do. He’ll become intimately acquainted with my annoying habits and not-so-pleasant traits, and to put up with all these things will require a huge commitment to love me. And to consider me a part of himself, and do everything with my interests at heart as much as (or more than) his own, will require frequent sacrifice. And I in turn will know all his faults and weaknesses, and I will need to make a big effort to trust and submit to him, and to keep trusting and submitting to him while he makes mistake after mistake after mistake (as we all do).

Also though, I do think there’s a picture being painted of different gender roles in marriage. A husband is called to be the leader, the protecter, the sacrificer. His wife is called to be the partner, the truster, the beloved. In part 3 I think we’ll look at those roles a bit closer. Maybe in Song of Songs, ’cause that’s always fun. And if we’re feeling ambitious, maybe we’ll even try to come up with a working definition of what submission actually means.

Until next time, my pretties..